Faye's Story (Part Three)

Today's blog is the final and third part of a client story.  Part One is the back story and context.  Part Two is the will contest. You should read these first if you haven't already done so.    

(CAVEAT: Even though a lot of details are public record, the names and relevant identifying details have been altered in order to maintain any potential attorney-client privilege). 

By the time we reached the point in Faye's story where we determined that the Will was not admissible to probate, almost two years had passed.  During this time, Faye hired a private investigator in Virginia to search for the adoption papers for John and Frank.  We knew that John and Frank were most likely adopted in Virginia, but we did not know exactly where in Virginia and we were not one hundred percent sure that they had not been adopted in Maryland.  This is because very soon after when we believed that the adoption occurred, John and Frank’s adoptive parents moved to Maryland where they lived until their deaths.  The private investigator looked in all of the likely places in Virginia, and then focused his attention on Maryland.  Finding the adoption papers for John and Frank was a two and half year ordeal.  

The investigator first found the probate records of the adoptive parents.  Both the mother and father’s Will referenced John and Frank as their adoptive sons and left them everything.  Nevertheless, this was not direct proof of the adoption.  What we needed was direct evidence of the adoption: a certified copy of the decree of adoption.  So, the investigator kept going and even located the school where John and Frank attended K-12 grade, on the theory that their adoption papers would be in the records.  Unfortunately, this school burned to the ground with all of the records in it.  

After exhausting all potential sources for the adoption paperwork in Maryland and Virginia, Faye then hired an attorney in Virginia in the city where she knew her mother lived after her father left.  This is where we found the divorce decree which stated that four of the five children had been “adopted out” and that Faye was in her father’s custody.  Unfortunately, the divorce decree which recited that four of the five children were “adopted out” this was not direct but rather indirect evidence of the adoptions as well so the search continued. 

Our attorney in Virginia searched long and hard for the adoption paperwork in the town where the divorce was entered, to no avail.  He then turned his attention to where we knew either Faye’s parents had lived or where we believed John and Frank’s adoptive parents lived just prior to their move to Maryland. 

A final hearing was set on the issue of which of the children were legally entitled to inherit and we were set to proceed with the indirect evidence on hand, as well as Faye's testimony.  Without the direct evidence, it would be a decision for the court to make as the trier of fact based on all of the documents and testimony.  If you've never been in this position, let me tell you:  it stinks.  Knowing without doubt that something is true, and being unable to prove it with incontrovertible evidence is the pits both for the client and the attorney.  It would be a massive understatement to say we were stressing over the outcome of this hearing.

Then, for once in her life, luck finally intervened in Faye's favor.  Literally 24 hours before the hearing I received two phone calls.  The first phone call was from Faye.  In going through the attic at her mother’s house she found a box containing all of the adoption paperwork for all four of the adopted children.  None of the paperwork was certified; however, I was confident that I could at least convince the court to give us sufficient time to obtain certified copies now that we knew where to look.  As I hung up with Faye our Virginia attorney called to tell me that he had located the adoption file for John and Frank and that he was overnighting me a certified copy of the adoption papers.  

Once all of the dust settled, John and Frank were forced to drop their remaining action.  Faye inherited one hundred percent of her mother’s estate under the intestate statute because she was the only child who was still legally her mother’s child.    

These events happened a long time ago.  I recently saw Faye at the courthouse and I am sad to say that life continues to be unkind to her.  Faye is one of those people who just seems dogged by tragedy.  Her relationship with John and Frank was irreparably damaged by their actions in the probate.  She still has no contact with Mike (by his choice), and she has no relationship with her nephews by her sister Eliza.  

The greatest irony of the whole thing is that the only asset in the estate was a home.  Not even a particularly valuable home, just a nice little house in a slightly shabby neighborhood.  The most vicious litigation I've ever seen was in probate and in every single case the litigants were not fighting over things, but a mother's love.  

Faye and her brothers never really resolved that issue by fighting over the house and they probably never will.

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Copyright 2013 Julie Ann Sombathy All Rights Reserved

Faye's Story (Part Two)

Today's blog is the second part of a three part client story.  Part One is the back story and context. You should read it first if you haven't already done so.  Part Two is the will contest.  Part Three (coming Friday) is the conclusion. 

(CAVEAT: Even though a lot of details are public record, the names and relevant identifying details have been altered in order to maintain any potential attorney-client privilege). 

Unfortunately, the adoption papers which Faye's mother kept in her Bible disappeared after the funeral.  Since the loss of the adoption paperwork worked to their benefit, John and Frank were the obvious suspects.  Because the adoptions occurred so long in the past and in another state, we had to hire a private investigator to find proof of the adoptions.  As for Eliza, a search of local records found a copy of her obituary which clearly referenced her adoptive mother and her natural mother.  This was enough to convince Eliza’s sons that they should back out of the litigation and they did so early on.   John and Frank on the other hand were also well aware that they had been adopted by an aunt and uncle, but were adamant that they were not adopted.  John and Frank were in it for the cash.  Because we could not find their adoption paperwork we had to proceed on their Will contest.     

In any Will contest regarding the proper execution of the Will, the most important people are the two witnesses to the Will.  If the Will is self proven, the notary is the third most important person.  If the two witnesses give testimony which contradict each other, or show that the Will was not executed properly then the proponent of the Will will lose on that ground.  So in the course of things, I found myself in Pensacola deposing the two witnesses to the holographic Will.  The witnesses were unrelated to each other in any way except they were both friends of Faye and her mother.   On the day that Faye’s mother executed her Will, they were having a party at her house which sounded like a cookout.  Both witnesses gave consistent testimony regarding the manner in which they witnessed the Will.  Unfortunately for Faye, the witnesses’ testimony also completely invalidated the Will.

Apparently, Faye’s mother hand wrote her Will and signed it.  During the party, she asked the first witness to witness her signature.  This part was done correctly in that Faye’s mother showed the signed Will and then attested to her signature to the witness and asked the witness to sign as a witness.  The problem is that the first witness witnessed the Will while the second witness was on the back deck drinking a beer.  Thereafter, the first witness went to the restroom and the second witness came in and Faye’s mother repeated the process.  Thus, neither witness was in presence of each other at all, much less in the presence of Faye's mother and each other, as is required by the Will statute. 

The end result of this was that Faye’s mother was intestate.  The brothers were counting on this because then they would inherit (under their reasoning) an intestate share of their mother’s estate.  Because Faye’s mother was not married at the time of her death her estate would be divided into four equal shares:  one each for Faye and her two brothers John and Frank, and one to be divided by Eliza’s children.  Everyone agreed that Mike had been adopted by strangers, so there was never any suggestion that he would inherit any of Faye’s mother’s estate.    

So, Faye's entire inheritance turned on proving the adoption of John and Frank by the aunt and uncle.  This proved to be incredibly difficult and ultimately required the services of a P.I. and an attorney in two different states as well as some luck.

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Copyright 2013 Julie Ann Sombathy All Rights Reserved

Faye's Story (Part One)

Today I am posting another old client story.  This story is told most easily in three parts.  Today is the back story and context. Part Two is the will contest.  Part Three is the conclusion. 

(CAVEAT: Even though a lot of details are public record, the names and relevant identifying details have been altered in order to maintain any potential attorney-client privilege). 

I once had a client named Faye.  Her story spanned 60 years, took place in four states, involved a child abduction, adoptions, greed, theft, and a mother's overwhelming guilt. This is Faye's story. 

Faye was the youngest of five children.  The oldest two of her siblings were her brothers John and Frank.  The next oldest sibling was her sister Eliza.  Her closest sibling in age was her brother Mike.  When Faye was about five her father announced that he wanted a divorce.  The family lived in Virginia.  This was in the late 1940's.  Faye’s mother had no marketable skills and no college education, without which a woman in that day could not really make enough money to support herself, much less her five young children.  Before the divorce was even filed, Faye’s father picked her up at the playground and drove all the way to California.  Faye lived with her father in California until she was a young adult, with no contact at all with her mother.  In essence, her father kidnapped Faye and left the four older children with their mother to fend for themselves.  Faye's father never supported her mother or his other four children and acted as if they did not exist. 

After Faye’s father abducted her from the playground, her mother fell apart.  Ultimately, Faye’s three brothers and sister were put up for adoption by her mother.  The two oldest boys, John and Frank, were adopted by Faye’s father’s brother and his wife.  Thus, while they were legally adopted, their last name never changed.  Faye’s sister was adopted by an aunt who lived in Panama City.  Her last name changed because the aunt was married.  Faye’s youngest brother was adopted by total strangers;  his last name changed to reflect his new familial relationship. 

Faye was reunited with her mother in her early adulthood.  At that time, her mother had gotten herself back together and moved to Panama City to be close to Faye’s sister.  Faye came back to live with her mother in Panama City when she was a young adult.  Faye lived with her mother on and off throughout her mother’s life.   Before Faye’s sister turned thirty, she died in a car accident leaving two small sons.  In the last few years of Faye’s mother’s life, she was reunited with John and Frank.  They made numerous visits to Panama City to see their mother and would often stay with her. 

Faye's mother never got over having to put her children up for adoption. While she ultimately reunited with four of her five children, the youngest son, Mike, wanted nothing to do with his "birth" family.  Faye's mother kept a Bible on her bedside table.  In the Bible were copies of the adoption papers for all four of her children.  It was the first thing she saw in the morning and the last thing she saw at night: a physical manifestation of her failings.  Anyone who knew Faye's mother, knew her story and the guilt she struggled with to the end of her days.

Faye’s mother died and Faye hired me to probate her estate. This case was unique in so many ways.  Faye’s mother’s Will was a holographic Will.  What this means is that the Will was entirely handwritten.  A holographic Will in Florida is perfectly legal as long as all of the formalities required by the Will statute are followed.  The formalities are pretty simple.  First, the person signing the Will (Testator or Testatrix)  must sign at the end.  Second, the Testator must then either affirm their signature to two witnesses (“this is my signature, please witness it”) or actually make the signature in the presence of two witnesses.  Next, and the part which most often is not performed correctly, the two witnesses must witness the signature in the Testator’s presence and in the presence of each other.  A notary is not required in order to properly execute a Will; however, if you wish to make the Will self-proven then the Testator and both witnesses must sign again with the same formalities and the notary must notarize all three signatures.  A self proving Will is ideal because it does not require the testimony or oath of a witness to allow admission of the Will to probate.  Click here for more detail on wills and probate.    

Faye’s mother’s Will left everything to Faye and named Faye Personal Representative.  Everything appeared to be in order, so we filed a Formal Administration.  Faye’s brothers intervened together with Eliza’s two children claiming that they were entitled to a share of the estate and contesting the Will.  A Will can be contested in Florida for three main reasons:  first, a Will may be contested on the basis that it was improperly executed;  second, a Will can be contested because it is the product of “undue influence;”  third, a Will can be contested on the basis that the Testator was incompetent at the time the Will was executed.  Undue influence is a topic in and of itself and it was not raised in this case.  The contest was based on claims of improper execution as well as incapacity of Faye’s mother.  

Testamentary capacity is a different evaluation from mental capacity.  In Florida, testamentary capacity means that you are able to identify the natural objects of your bounty, you comprehend the nature and extent of your assets, you are oriented to time and place, and you are capable of understanding the legal effect of the documents that you are signing.  This is a very minimal standard. An oft cited case held that "even a mad man may sign a will during a lucid interval."

When we first received the intervention pleadings,  we foolishly though that we would be able to resolve the matter quickly because John, Frank, and Eliza had been legally adopted.  In Florida when a person is legally adopted they are no longer the blood relatives of their natural parents or anyone related to their natural parents, and are immediately treated as a blood relative of their adopted parents and anyone related to their adopted parents.  So, in essence, adoption in Florida changes your blood lines by  legal fiction.  There are three main exceptions to this rule, found at Florida Statute chapter 732.108(1)(a)-(c)(2013)(click here for the text). For this reason we believed that simply showing the court that John, Frank and Eliza had been adopted would be sufficient. 

That is not how things turned out, and what started as a simple probate with a handwritten will turned into a three year saga with several dead ends and turns before resolution was finally found.

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Copyright 2013 Julie Ann Sombathy All Rights Reserved

Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow? (Or, Getting Paid)

When a client does not pay me I wonder how can they respect me if I don’t insist on payment?* Letting a client go indefinitely without payment is the ultimate beta move, and sets up a toxic dynamic from which there is no where to go but down. Either the client gets right on their payments, or we part ways.  Any other arrangement is not worth the hassle. 

To get paid, you have to send the client a bill.  The worst mistake is not sending bills to your client on a regular and frequent basis.  If you send a client a bill six months into their case, they will not have a sharp memory of everything that has happened and often believe that the bill is inflated. Another mistake that attorneys make is not putting sufficient details in their invoices.  Conversely, some attorneys go overboard, and the billing entry takes longer to read than the actual work took to perform.  A client should not have to wade through sixteen generated phrases per billable to figure out what it is you did for them that day.

The worst kind of client is the slow payer.  The thing that clients who slow pay do not understand is that unless there is a court order or a statute which requires me to move on their case in an expeditious manner, slow payers get moved to the bottom of the stack both on my desk and in my mind.  The clients who pay me promptly go to the front of the line because they are treating me and my services as a priority. 

The simplistic “fix” offered to the slow payer problem is “just make everyone put money in trust.”  This works to a great extent.  I do a lot of work on a flat fee basis, and I require payment in full before I will put pen to paper or dictate a single word.  Otherwise, I require fee retainers. Even so, there are times when a retainer is not called for and there are some clients who refuse to deposit retainers.  Most of the time, this works out fine and the client pays their bill promptly.  In this situation, the lawyer has to depend on their intuition and other indicators to determine if the client is a good risk.  Most importantly, a case without a fee retainer is a situation that has to be monitored closely. 

Whenever I encounter a client who resists a retainer I keep a very close eye on their billables and their payments.  It is an absolute beginner’s mistake to allow billables to get too far ahead of a client’s payments. Once this happens, you are trapped too far out on the limb to cut it off without falling to the ground with it.  This is especially so in litigation where in one month an invoice is de minimis and the next an invoice is several thousand dollars.  When billables outstrip payments by 90 days or more, your chances of receiving full payment are practically none.

In my experience slow payers are the most demanding clients. Ironic, isn’t it? One of the hardest things to learn as an adult is when to quit someone, whether it is in a personal or professional setting.  I’ve learned the hard way to quit slow payers sooner rather than later. 

Frankly, I’d rather heat a can of beans on the engine block of my truck than involuntarily work for free.  At least I’ll still respect myself in the morning.

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*NB:  This post addresses only paying clients, not pro bono cases where the lawyer is voluntarily working for free.

Copyright 2013 Julie Ann Sombathy All Rights Reserved

The Story of Arnie and Ophelia

After a year of blogging, it finally dawned on me the other day that some of my old cases would make entertaining blog posts. So, this "story" will be a first in a series. (CAVEAT: Even though a lot of details are public record, the names and relevant identifying details have been altered in order to maintain any potential attorney-client privilege). Also, I will weave a little legal information in the story, but I'll try to keep it painless.

I once had clients early in my practice named Arnie and Ophelia Williams. When Ophelia died, they had just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary. Sixty-five years! In my late 20's I thought that this was the most incredible thing I had ever encountered. Arnie and Ophelia were in their 80's. This is their story.

I met Arnie and Ophelia because they needed to do some estate planning. While they were old, both were mentally sharp. Arnie had a shock of white hair and brilliant blue eyes. Ophelia had a lot of health problems and Arnie had a gouty foot. Because of Arnie's foot and Ophelia's health, their insurance agent persuaded me to make a house call. They lived in a modest home, on a modest street, in a modest middle class neighborhood. They were worth millions.

Forty years earlier, they had lived in Virginia. Arnie worked at a manufacturing plant. Arnie received stock options as part of his compensation. While he was in his forties, Arnie retired and moved to Panama City. Arnie managed to parlay his stock holdings in the manufacturing company together with the investments he had made during his "working life" into a substantial portfolio by playing the stock market. He was a front runner in the whole "day trader" work from home movement of the early 90's.

The greatest sorrow of their lives was that they were never able to have children. Ophelia had no living relatives. Arnie had a nephew, Jerry, with whom they were close. Jerry lived out of state, but he visited regularly. I believe this part to be totally true because if there is one thing elderly clients will tell you when you are doing their will, it is which relatives come see them and which ones don't visit or call. [Go call your elderly relatives right now. This blog will be here in a half hour.]

So, Arnie and Ophelia executed Pour Over Wills and a Joint Revocable Trust with traditional estate tax planning for the time period.  The trust left everything to Jerry.  The Pour Over Will named Jerry and two friends of Arnie and Ophelia as their co-executors (in Florida we call the executor the Personal Representative).  Likewise, the trust named Jerry and the two friends as successor Co-Trustees. Soon after they executed their documents, but before we could fully fund their trust, Ophelia died. Arnie died less than 30 days later. I've always thought he died of a broken heart because all that was really wrong with him was that gouty foot. He just went to bed and never got better. At the time, I thought his death was the most tragically romantic thing, ever.

Most everything that was not in the trust was in just Arnie's name, so in the end we only had to probate Arnie's Pour Over Will to transfer the rest of the assets into the trust. Unfortunately for me and Jerry, when we opened Arnie's safe deposit box we found original stock certificates for 65 different companies. Each of these stock certificates ultimately required 3 medallion endorsed signatures. So, that was a total of about 200 endorsed signatures from 3 people living in 3 different states. It took months to accomplish and to this day remains one of the most frustrating tasks I've ever encountered in a probate.

Meanwhile, back in Virginia a woman was dying. She was in her 70's and had one child, Rose. Rose was in her early 40's with strikingly orange-red hair and brilliant blue eyes. She was also a child of tragedy, having lived her entire life without her father who had died before she was even born. Just before taking her last breath, Rose's mother motioned her close and whispered in her ear that "I have to tell you something. The man you thought was your father wasn't your father. Your father lives in Florida. There's a shoebox in the top of my closet with your name on it with everything about your father in it."

Eventually, Rose got out that box, hired an investigator and tracked down her father. She tried to call him several times, but lost her nerve and hung up. Her husband finally made the call for her. A man answered the phone and when Rose asked for her father, Arnie Williams, she was told that he had recently died.

Jerry is the man who had to give Rose that bit of news, but he did not know then her relationship to his uncle. Soon after that call, Rose called me. In the face of her incredible story, all I could tell Rose to do was hire an attorney in Florida. I also had to warn Jerry that he might not inherit anything at all.

See, Rose was potentially a Pretermitted Child. In layman's terms, that means a child of which the deceased person was unaware when they signed their Will. A Pretermitted Child is entitled to the share of the deceased's estate to which they would have been entitled under the intestate statute. For an only child, that would have meant 100% of Arnie's estate.

About a week later, a local attorney called me on Rose's behalf. She had been to Florida to meet with him in person (and to also meet Jerry--her long lost cousin). The first thing he asked me was "Did Arnie have crazy orange hair and blue eyes?"  In that shoebox Rose's mother had hidden in the top of the closet were pictures of a orange-red haired man in his 40's with brilliant blue eyes holding a baby which Rose knew to be herself. There were birthday cards for her 1st and 2nd birthday and letters. Jerry confirmed that Arnie had orange-red hair like Rose in his younger days. He also confirmed though family photos that the man holding baby Rose was most likely his uncle. Jerry does not think his Aunt Ophelia ever knew about Rose or the affair.

Because it was obvious that Arnie knew Rose existed, she was not a pretermitted child, and did not inherit anything from his estate. Jerry inherited 100%. When I last spoke to Jerry, he said that he and Rose continued to be in contact. Rose never held the inheritance against Jerry.

Through talks between Rose and Jerry comparing the respective lives of her mother and his uncle, Arnie's secrets were revealed. Rose's mother was married to Arnie's boss at the manufacturing company. She and Arnie had an affair, and Rose was the result. Before Rose was born, her mother's husband died in an accident at the plant. Although we will never know, I've always thought Arnie's somewhat early retirement and move had to of come about when baby Rose was very young since her hair and eyes were such an identifying trait. People back then were way better at keeping secrets, though, and also tended to turn a blind eye to such things. Who knows? The affair could have been a well kept secret or an "open secret." This part of Arnie and Rose's story will never be known.

So that is the story of Arnie and Ophelia, or rather, of Arnie and Rose.

The take aways from the story for me were:

1. Secrets rarely stay secret forever.

2. Attorneys should always ask their clients about children outside of marriage, and tell them an abbreviated version of this story in case there is a secret love child to be addressed.

3. No matter how well intentioned, the decisions you make as a parent do not always work out well.

4. If you create a secret like Arnie and Rose's mother did, maybe you should take it to your grave.

5. Call or visit your Elderly Relatives, they miss you and they're lonely. Ten minutes out of your day will totally make their week.

6. For the love of all, please put your stock holdings in an account. Do not hold original certificates. I cannot stress this one enough. It took years for $0.01 checks to quit arriving.

7. Naming more than two Co-Trustees or Co-Personal Representatives can result in unnecessary expense and hassle.

8. Address the potential of an unknown child in your will or trust to avoid what could have happened if Rose had either been dishonest or truly unknown to Arnie.

9. If you don't tell your estate planning attorney everything, including the embarrassing bits like a secret love child, your attorney cannot do an effective job.

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Copyright 2013 All Rights Reserved Julie Ann Sombathy

2012: The Year in Review

January 2013 is Law On High Heels first birthday!

Looking back, my favorite personal post of 2012 is about my dad, who turned 70 in April. I also wrote a couple of posts on the never ending and annoying topic of "having it all" here and here.  My favorite posts on legal topics in 2012 were about homestead law, copyright law and appropriation art, and the GPS decision by the US Supreme Court.  Last but not least, the most viewed post on my blog for the year explains how to switch a car title after someone dies without having to see a lawyer.


January is a great time to make resolutions:  it is a new year, a fresh start, an identifiable demarcation between the past and the as yet undetermined future.  Any day could serve that purpose, but the first day of the new year just works, you know?  My resolution is to shake off the gloom of the last quarter of 2012, and move forward with optimism, even when I don't feel it.  Everything changes, like it or not, but change does not have to just happen to us.

So, Happy New Year, dear readers.  Here's to starting the year out with optimism, even if it is forced at times, and barreling headlong toward the future, no brakes.

Cheers,

Julie

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Manners: I sure wish more people used them!

This is a pet peeve post, so skip it if you aren't in the mood.

A few thoughts on manners, and why they are important.

Poor phone manners.  People!  When you call a residence, the ONLY acceptable way to greet the person answering the phone is by identifying yourself!  "Hi, this is Julie.  May I please speak to Bob."  I was taught this by my mother, and the practice was strictly enforced.  We were not allowed to call someone and say "Is Frances there?"  No way.  My kids were not allowed to use the phone until they learned this basic social skill and it really irks me when an adult does this.  Seriously.

Likewise, when you call a business, identify yourself and who you need to talk to. Simple.  The receptionist's job is to route you to the right person. For that she needs two key pieces of info:  your name and either the name of the person you want to talk to or the nature of your call.  That is it.  Don't just start talking about your problems, or spill your guts to the receptionist.  She has multiple lines to catch and most of the time she can't help you anyway.

Poor conversational skills.   I rarely start a conversation without first asking the other party "how are you?" or something similar depending on familiarity.  For example, I might ask after your kids if we've ever spoken about them or your sick dog if you had posted on Facebook that your dog was unwell.  The point being, to me good manners means showing interest in the other person you with whom I am interacting.  And I expect this courtesy in return:  at the very least, an interest in my day (I don't expect anyone to stalk me on Facebook).  Many people feel that "how are you" is a rote, meaningless question.  I disagree.  It greases the wheel, people.  Part of being a participant in society is extending the courtesies that make things roll.  Do I really want to know a whole lot about your life when I ask "how are you"?  Probably not.  But it is nice to know if you're having a bad day.  I might approach whatever we are going to discuss differently.  If your day is really stinking it up, I'm going to take that into account.  It may only mean that I tell you "I'm sorry, but I am not going to make it better," but still I am going to acknowledge it.

Poor Table Manners.  A very wise friend recently repeated to me her mother's philosophy on parenting:  We raise our kids for other people.

This is so, so true:  we teach our children manners and how to act so the rest of the world can tolerate them.

Teach your kids how to sit at a dinner table in a private home and eat without being an animal.  Utensils are not for show.  Napkins are your friend. I've had kids at my dinner table who didn't know not to reach over someone else's plate, to ask for an item to be passed to them, etc. Chew with your mouth closed!  If you don't like the convention of having a child ask to be excused from the table, that's fine.  But you should make sure they understand some homes expect it and how to watch and learn when eating at someone else's home.  And a  thank you at the end of dinner would be nice!  Also, kids should be taught how to order in a restaurant, how to not be a jerk to the waitstaff, what to do with your napkin, etc.  One day, your precious snowflake will have to venture forth without you, and if they don't know how to eat like a civilized adult, YOU FAILED AS A PARENT.

Poor Communication Skills.   This is a biggie for me.  If I haven't gotten a document to you, or responded to your email there's two ways to approach it.  One way is to be blunt.  "Why haven't you ....."  This assumes intentional conduct on my part and implies I am lousy at my job.  Alternatively, you can employ a little social convention I call giving the other guy a face saving opportunity.  This costs me nothing, and will most likely garner me some positivity from the recipient.  "Did you see my email?  I'm resending it, in case you missed it."  Something like that goes a long way with me.  Most of the time that gets a flat out admission from me that I forgot, have been slammed, etc. But the blunt approach gets off with me the wrong way every time.

THE BASICS: Please/Thank you/Excuse Me.  It galls me to have to include these, but there it is.  In my opinion, the worst offenders on this issue are adults.  When an adult doesn't use please/thank you/excuse me, I judge them.  Period, full stop.  Ask my kids, I say please and thank you in the drive through.  I'm shocked other people don't.  Kids are learners.  They get a pass;  the adult with them does not.  Every encounter is a learning experience for a kid and a teaching opportunity for the parent.  Do your job making your children tolerable for the rest of us.

All of this is to say that I am a big believer in the little courtesies.  Good manners on the phone, good conversational skills, nice table manners and above all, the basics.  All of these things keep the wheel moving, and make life more pleasant.  This is especially so for the part of life where we have to work.  Work is work:  I don't care how much you love it, it is still work.  I really appreciate the people I deal with who make the effort to make work a little more pleasant.  So little effort involved, such a huge payoff.

There is a segment of society that has embraced dropping the courtesies in favor of being "blunt."  Look, I'm happy for you if you have decided to take blunt to a new level.  Rock on with that.  But frankly, I think it just makes you look like an ass.  So stop already, no one is impressed with how hard you are bringing it.  No one.

So these are my thoughts for Friday.  I hope everyone out there has a great weekend!

Julie

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Copyright 2012 Julie Ann Sombathy All Rights Reserved