This is a pet peeve post, so skip it if you aren't in the mood.
A few thoughts on manners, and why they are important.
Poor phone manners. People! When you call a residence, the ONLY acceptable way to greet the person answering the phone is by identifying yourself! "Hi, this is Julie. May I please speak to Bob." I was taught this by my mother, and the practice was strictly enforced. We were not allowed to call someone and say "Is Frances there?" No way. My kids were not allowed to use the phone until they learned this basic social skill and it really irks me when an adult does this. Seriously.
Likewise, when you call a business, identify yourself and who you need to talk to. Simple. The receptionist's job is to route you to the right person. For that she needs two key pieces of info: your name and either the name of the person you want to talk to or the nature of your call. That is it. Don't just start talking about your problems, or spill your guts to the receptionist. She has multiple lines to catch and most of the time she can't help you anyway.
Poor conversational skills. I rarely start a conversation without first asking the other party "how are you?" or something similar depending on familiarity. For example, I might ask after your kids if we've ever spoken about them or your sick dog if you had posted on Facebook that your dog was unwell. The point being, to me good manners means showing interest in the other person you with whom I am interacting. And I expect this courtesy in return: at the very least, an interest in my day (I don't expect anyone to stalk me on Facebook). Many people feel that "how are you" is a rote, meaningless question. I disagree. It greases the wheel, people. Part of being a participant in society is extending the courtesies that make things roll. Do I really want to know a whole lot about your life when I ask "how are you"? Probably not. But it is nice to know if you're having a bad day. I might approach whatever we are going to discuss differently. If your day is really stinking it up, I'm going to take that into account. It may only mean that I tell you "I'm sorry, but I am not going to make it better," but still I am going to acknowledge it.
Poor Table Manners. A very wise friend recently repeated to me her mother's philosophy on parenting: We raise our kids for other people.
This is so, so true: we teach our children manners and how to act so the rest of the world can tolerate them.
Teach your kids how to sit at a dinner table in a private home and eat without being an animal. Utensils are not for show. Napkins are your friend. I've had kids at my dinner table who didn't know not to reach over someone else's plate, to ask for an item to be passed to them, etc. Chew with your mouth closed! If you don't like the convention of having a child ask to be excused from the table, that's fine. But you should make sure they understand some homes expect it and how to watch and learn when eating at someone else's home. And a thank you at the end of dinner would be nice! Also, kids should be taught how to order in a restaurant, how to not be a jerk to the waitstaff, what to do with your napkin, etc. One day, your precious snowflake will have to venture forth without you, and if they don't know how to eat like a civilized adult, YOU FAILED AS A PARENT.
Poor Communication Skills. This is a biggie for me. If I haven't gotten a document to you, or responded to your email there's two ways to approach it. One way is to be blunt. "Why haven't you ....." This assumes intentional conduct on my part and implies I am lousy at my job. Alternatively, you can employ a little social convention I call giving the other guy a face saving opportunity. This costs me nothing, and will most likely garner me some positivity from the recipient. "Did you see my email? I'm resending it, in case you missed it." Something like that goes a long way with me. Most of the time that gets a flat out admission from me that I forgot, have been slammed, etc. But the blunt approach gets off with me the wrong way every time.
THE BASICS: Please/Thank you/Excuse Me. It galls me to have to include these, but there it is. In my opinion, the worst offenders on this issue are adults. When an adult doesn't use please/thank you/excuse me, I judge them. Period, full stop. Ask my kids, I say please and thank you in the drive through. I'm shocked other people don't. Kids are learners. They get a pass; the adult with them does not. Every encounter is a learning experience for a kid and a teaching opportunity for the parent. Do your job making your children tolerable for the rest of us.
All of this is to say that I am a big believer in the little courtesies. Good manners on the phone, good conversational skills, nice table manners and above all, the basics. All of these things keep the wheel moving, and make life more pleasant. This is especially so for the part of life where we have to work. Work is work: I don't care how much you love it, it is still work. I really appreciate the people I deal with who make the effort to make work a little more pleasant. So little effort involved, such a huge payoff.
There is a segment of society that has embraced dropping the courtesies in favor of being "blunt." Look, I'm happy for you if you have decided to take blunt to a new level. Rock on with that. But frankly, I think it just makes you look like an ass. So stop already, no one is impressed with how hard you are bringing it. No one.
So these are my thoughts for Friday. I hope everyone out there has a great weekend!
Julie
My website
Copyright 2012 Julie Ann Sombathy All Rights Reserved
