At least once a month, I hear some variation of the following:
"You're a wife, a mother, a lawyer, you own your own business.....I just don't know how you do it. How do you do it all?"
This question, depending on whatever outside factors are at play, rarely fails to incite a towering rage within; sometimes, I even feel the need to punch the speaker in their stupid pie hole. I know most people are in their way, probably attempting to compliment me; nevertheless, my inner dialogue when this conversation takes place goes something like this:
"Wow, I've never been asked THAT before. I bet Bob* has never once been asked "You're a husband, a father, a lawyer, and you hold down a full time job with immense responsibility to your community to put murderers in prison. How do you do it all?" NOT ONE TIME HAS HE BEEN ASKED THIS INSULTING QUESTION. NOT ONE TIME."
*My long suffering, saintly husband, awesome father to my
two children, grill master, and bad ass attorney extraordinaire.
Where does the notion that I, as a woman, am less able than a man to handle the same responsibilities of an adult with a job and children? Is it because men are not expected to be the primary child rearing parent? Or because I am, based on my gender alone, supposed to be the more "involved" parent. What a slap in both our faces. In one fell swoop, the speaker has insulted both me and my husband.
And in that question there is this implication that I am somehow NOT prioritizing things correctly. Perhaps that is my personal issue: some lingering guilt over not staying at home and cutting the crusts off their sandwiches and putting little inspirational notes in their pack lunches.... Then I remember, that's not me. That's this idealized mother that some advertising guy in the 50's came up with and the collective swallowed up hook, line and sinker.
My mother was and remains a phenomenal mother. She cooked, she cleaned, she even worked part time. Our family was the focus of her world, and I don't think she regrets a minute of it. Our home was spotless, always. She packed our lunches in little brown bags, or in our chosen lunch box of the school year. I never ironed a shirt. Our clothes were hanging in our closet ironed. I still marvel over this one to this day. A girl on the hall in my dorm had to teach me how to iron a pair of pants (thank you Betsy!). But even though I did not know how to run the washer and dryer until the day I left for college (we had a 5 minute tutorial in front of the w/d right before I drove off), my brother and I were not cosseted. We didn't leave the nest unique little snowflakes harboring a sense of entitlement due to the sheer fact of our existence.
My mother did it all, but she did it her way. And really, in the mommy wars, the woman who does it her way and tells everyone else to bugger off is the winner.
I'm not my mother. I don't cook that much because I do not enjoy it in the least. When I do cook something elaborate for them, I like to think my kids know how much I love them because they sure know how much I do not enjoy cooking. I'll pack their lunch, if they ask nicely and remind me several times. Advance notice is required. I even recently cut crusts off of a PB&J for my son (extenuating circumstances there of an orthodontic nature). I really hate laundry. I only iron in the most dire of circumstances. My house isn't a health code violation, mainly because we choose to have a wonderful person come in and do that for us on a regular basis. My ladies at work know my kids well because sometimes they have to go pick them up and take them places for me. Or, my kids come to my office with me for whatever reason. I drive my son crazy getting him places on time (there's two sides to that story....he's light on advance notice and details) and I am constantly having to get things done at the last minute. Nevertheless, somehow, Bob and I manage to take care of our kids and so far, I think we are doing a decent job of turning out some quality human beings.
I work. Probably not as hard or as efficiently as I should, but there it is. I own my own business. I am responsible to four other people and their families every other Monday to make payroll. My career is stressful, adversarial as hell, time consuming. Often it comes home with me at nights and on the weekend. I'm cranky. A lot. But, I chose this career and I am in it for the long haul. Some days, I even love it. It is who I am and it is part of what makes me the mother I am to my kids. Good and bad.
So, back to that infuriating question. It irks me because it implies that I've taken on more than I can handle, or that I have somehow shortchanged my designated roles as mother and wife for a career. The short answer to the question is that I don't do it all. At least, not the "all" that the question implies.
To all my sisters in arms out there, just keep doing it your way. If we start defining that "all" differently, maybe our daughters won't get asked the same thing.
With that rant complete, I've got to jet. My house is a wreck, and Ms. Sharon will just turn around and leave if I don't get it ready for her.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Julie
Copyright 2012 Julie Ann Sombathy All Rights Reserved
